Category Archives: Obscene Paragraphs

Obscene Paragraphs—Begging the Pardon Edition

This gem leapt out at me while reading the NYTimes’ report on Il Douché’s press conference today with the Finnish President. He was asked about his pardon of the risible Joe Arpaio:

“I thought he was treated unbelievably unfairly,” Mr. Trump said during a joint news conference with President Sauli Niinisto of Finland in the East Room of the White House. The president and Mr. Arpaio share a hard line on illegal immigration and unapologetic support of the police, and the former sheriff was an ardent backer of Mr. Trump’s campaign last year.

On the other hand, he apparently believes that shackling a pregnant woman is just peachy. That’s the kind of tough policing tinhorn dictators admire.

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Obscene Paragraphs—Soot Bull Jeepers Edition

Now it gets scary.

Il Douché is now engaged in a nuclear game of chicken with North Korea’s Kim Jong-un,  possibly the only leader who matches him for impulsive lunacy. Their foreign policies can both be reduced to “There’s only room on this planet for one egomaniacal man-toddler with nuclear arms, and it’s me!”

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Up until now, most of what Il Douché did (or tried to do) could be reversed. We could rejoin the Paris Climate Accords when a saner person occupies the Oval Office; Obamacare remains the law of the land, and even if he allows it die of of a thousand cuts, a competent administrator could revive it; and he has shown precious little ability to get bills passed. About the only action he’s taken with lasting impact has been the appointment of Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court, and he only was given that chance by Mitch McConnell’s willingness to stamp his feet and hold his breath until a GOP president could make the nomination.

But with North Korea’s brazen tests, we’ve entered into a world where even the slightest misstep or misreading of the often subtle diplomatic signal could plunge the world into nuclear war.

And how does Il Douché react. Just as you’d expect: like a spoiled child, with bluster and threats. From the New York Times

“North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States,” Mr. Trump told reporters at his golf club in Bedminster, N.J. “They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen. He has been very threatening beyond a normal state and as I said they will be met with fire and fury and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.”

Let’s unpack this for a second—North Korea has been making the kind of threats that normal states don’t. His response: make the kind of threats not made by a normal state. Our only hope is that the adults on both sides of the table (and there appear to be precious few in the White House) can get these two undisciplined  toddlers into a “time out” and deal with this before either one of them decides to show he can wear his big boy pants and hits the button. Otherwise, we’ll be looking for those old fallout shelter signs.


Obscene Paragraphs: Forty Loesches Edition

This is the face of evil.

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This is Dana Loesch, the NRA’s Spokes-virago.

They’ve  released a new ad that is jaw-droppingly awful, even considering the source. This rancid, bile-spewing harpy claiming to be the voice of “we the people,” goes on an unhinged minute-long rampage against the New York Times, putting the paper on notice that she will not stand for their “narratives” (one wonders how she expects it tell stories without narratives. I doubt she has much use for the  experimental novels of Ronald Sukenik or Robbe-Grillet. Is this now a coded term on the right, like “cosmopolitan“?).

“Narrative” is not the only odd locution in the ad. She sneers out her contempt for what she claims is The Times “protection of [its] Democrat overlords” and the paper’s “pretentious” assertion that is it “truth or fact-based journalism.” She also engages in a bit of protection, claiming that the Times “refuses to accept any truth that upsets the fragile construct that [it] considers ‘real life’,” which is odd, since “refusing to accept any truth that upsets a fragile construct” is practically the slogan of Sean Hannity: Presidential Proctologist, and other pro-Tr**p media.

She’s not done, though. Things really gets strange about 30 seconds in, where she promises to “fist” the paper. Some believe she actually says “Fisk,” as in a detailed analysis, but that’s tough to square with the her promise to find “just what deep, rich means” to the paper she calls an “old gray hag,” who, if that’s not bad enough, is a “dishonest, untrustworthy rag,”  before falling into a Randian swoon, claiming that it has “subsisted on the welfare of mediocrity” for “one, two, three more decades.” (Notwithstanding the sudden change of tense, what does this mean?). She promises lasers (maybe she’ll find polyps?) and more unpleasantness before getting to what, you have to think, is the meat of her message: “we’re coming for you.”

Plus the video is accompanied on the NRA site by the hastag #ClenchedFistOfTruth. (Then again, just about everything about Loesch could be described as “clenched.”

Is this what we have become after a little more than half -a-year of Tr**p? Where an  organization representing an armed populace feels comfortable enough to make public threats against the Free Press. When a group that believes not just gun possession but open carry should be legal calls on its membership to go after a newspaper, how soon before they rustle up an armed posse to visit Times bureaus across the country, to say nothing of its headquarters. Does the NRA really believe that the Second Amendment trumps the first?

If they do, were probably in more trouble than we think.

 

 

 


Obscene Paragraphs: Secure Is Worse Than The Lease Edition

You’d think that modern-day Presidents would do almost anything to keep the Secret Service nearby—these are the people pledged with protecting them; agents will quite literally take a bullet for the President. But other Presidents weren’t Il Douché.

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Since his election, the Secret Service has set up a command post in  Tr**p Tower,  one floor below the President’s residence. But no more. According to the Washington Post,  the agency and the president’s company were unable to reach an agreement on a lease,  and they’re treating the Secret Service the same way they treat a tenant who has leased a storefront that could get higher rent from a band or Duane Reade: demand a rent increase, and if they don’t ascede, evict them. In July, the post moved from the apartment into a trailer on the sidewalk in front the building, on the corner of Fifth Avenue and 57th Street (which much have made the neighbors—carriage trade retailers such as Tiffany and Bergdorf Goodman—cringe).  As a spokesperson for the Tr**p Organization put it:

“After much consideration, it was mutually determined that it would be more cost effective and logistically practical for the Secret Service to lease space elsewhere,” spokeswoman Amanda Miller wrote in an email to The Washington Post.

You’d think, that with Robert Mueller’s office getting ready to empanel a Grand Jury that could look into their business dealings, the Tr**p Organization might have more pressing issues than squeezing every last dime out of the government Tr**p supposedly leads. You hear people making all kinds of sacrifices for what was once called the “privilege” of public service, but not our Douché. He’s determined to get as much cash from being holding office as he can, even at the cost of his (and his family’s) safety.

 


Obscene Paragraphs—Yes, the New Yorker Edition

The Mooch mooched his way into the a White House dinner last night. Most people wouldn’t think that’s something to hide, but in the Il Douché Administration, that’s not always the case. When the New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza reported on the seemingly innocuous meal (also getting only one scoop of ice cream while Il Douché enjoys two were the First Lady, Sean Hannity: Presidential Proctologist!, and former Fox executive Bill Shine) that, in a normal administration, would have been announced to public as part of the President’s calendar. But the Mooch saw something darker; he saw it as the work of that emptiest of empty suits, Reince Priebus. He even imagines Priebus’ scheming: “‘Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months’.”

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“I’m sorry Ma’am , but you’re not on my list. ” Anthony Scaramucci, trying to look tough working the VIP entrance at Mar-A-Lago (photo credit: Jabin Botsford / The Washington Post / Getty)

Yes, America, it took only six months before Tr**p—who has been teasing the firing of Jeff Sessions like a season ending cliffhanger—turned the Federal Government into  The White Housewives of America.

Of course, the Mooch had to get to the bottom of the seemingly bottomless well of Douché palace intrigue. Who leaked his dinner plans?, he demanded, like Captain Queeg ranting about strawberries.

What’s truly stunning is when he tries to appeal to Lizza’s better angels:

You’re an American citizen, this is a major catastrophe for the American country. So I’m asking you as an American patriot to give me a sense of who leaked it.”

Yes, this leak (and leak is really too strong a word for it. Idle gossip is probably closer to the truth) is a major catastrophe. Thank God that we don’t know how he ordered his steak.

 


Obscene Paragraphs: Minimize the Moocher Edition

Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci, Il Douché’s newest hire, and understudy for the part of  Tight-Lips” Louie in the inevitable live action Simpsons musical, made his debutante’s run of the Sunday morning chat shows this morning. It did not go well.

 

 

His appearances did little to assuage the sense that the reason he got the job was his willingness to repeatedly declare his undying loyalty to his Don (twenty times, according to the NYTimes).  Sure, he outed his boss as an anonymous source, first telling Jake Tapper “Somebody said to me yesterday—I won’t tell you who—that if the Russians actually hacked this situation and spilled out those emails, you would have never seen it, you would have never had any evidence of them.” When pressed by Tapper, he reacted like a cornered bully in a playground fight: “How about it was the president, Jake?” Not exactly a compelling comeback.

But, at heart, he’s just another one of Tr**p’s hedge fund buddies who thinks he knows how to “fix” government without knowing how it actually works. And while having a friendly coffee with the folks over on “Fox News Sunday,” After less then two days on the job, he already knows what the problem. It just happens to be his Don’s biggest concern: leaks. All those illegal leaks on “Fake News.” (Left unasked: if those leaks are illegal, then the information—and the reporting of it—can’t be fake. If someone tells you a fake story, they’re not a leaker—they’re a liar.)

And The Mooch knows just how to stop those “unprofessional” leaks. His solution:

Scaramucci on Sunday said he would “pare down the staff” to stop White House leaks, but made clear… that he wants to start anew. “As far as I’m concerned, there will be a new start for everybody on the team,” said Scaramucci, whose appointment as communications director forced the resignation of Sean Spicer, who had held that post.

 OK, the less people who have access to information, the less chance of it leaking (and it’s easier to find the leak). Only one problem: The Douché Administration is running with a historically small staff. Some of the agencies have only a single Tr**p appointee. And it’s not obstruction, at least not on the Democrat’s part. According to the Washington Post.

President Trump has a major staffing problem. He has been president for five months, and yet his agencies are severely understaffed at the highest levels. And, no, it’s not all Senate Democrats’ fault…Trump is way behind other Presidents in nominating people for the Senate to vote on.

Obscene Paragraphs: Tying One On Edition

Il Douché has joined forces with Ty Cobb. No, not that one, but a distant relation. Given the Georgia Peach’s love of sharp spikes and views on race, it’s amusing to entertain the thought that the connection appealed to Tr**p. But, if he was going to choose a new lawyer you’d think he might look to someone who doesn’t resemble a villainous Wilford Brimley.

But the facial hair of the Douché legal team (and if this Russia matter is a hoax, you have to ask why he needs real lawyers to manage it) is not the subject of today’s Obscene Paragraph, although it does come from today’s Times’ story on Cobb’s hiring. No, it’s the reason why  they need a new lawyer. The stress of being a Douché family consigliere has caused Marc Kasowitz to take on a hobby: threatening people who email him. That leaves him precious little time for actual legal work.

Not that if matters. If you believe Il Douché, being elected President has given him new, God-like, powers. As the Times puts it:

But Mr. Trump has flouted his own lawyer, bragging to people around him that no one can control his actions.

No one can control his actions. Let that sink in for a moment. This is a man who thought that simply being a “star ” gave him license to grope women— “they let you do it. You can do anything.” 

I’m beginning to think Il Douché is too kind. Maybe Kim Jong Il Douché is a better fit.

 

 


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